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My Ever-Changing Moods

The title’s the name of a song by The Style Council, from the 1980s. Written by Paul Weller, formerly of seminal British band The Jam - a favourite of many “mods” and “punks”, the last two lines of the lyrics are:

I wish we’d come to our senses and see there is no truth
In those who promote the confusion for this ever changing mood

The Style Council’s songs were quite often pop-py, musically speaking, but punctuated by bitter, insightful lyrics. (In fact, Weller used this formula for The Jam, as did many British Wave bands in the late 1970s, which preceded the Romantic Wave of the early 1980s.) Surely this song can be interpreted in many ways. I choose to interpret it in the sense that our moods affect the state of our relationships and vice versa. (It could also be interpreted in terms of mental health, but that is not my focus at present.)

The changing roles of relationships is a topic that sci-fi and fantasy writer Stephen R. Donaldson writes about in his sci-fi The Gap Cycle pentalogy (5 books). Donaldson says that this series is influenced by The Rings of the Nibelungen (aka The Nibelungenlied), an opera by Richard Wagner. Donaldson often writes about some very controversial topics and often uses main characters who are very hard to love or even sympathize with. (See his award-winning fantasy double trilogy The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever, about a leper who becomes a hero in an alternate Earth.)  In The Gap Cycle, Donaldson’s trio of main characters metamorphosize in their roles and relationships. His hero character becomes the villain, the villain becomes the victim, and the victim becomes the heroine.

What I’ve found in life, from the many thousands of people I’ve had the fortune to cross paths with, and learn something or other from, is that relationships are very much like this, depending on your perspective, which colours your perceptions. Someone once told me in that in any relationship, whether platonic or amorous, one party always needs the other party more. (I’ve actually noticed this in human-pet (dog or cat) relationships as well.)

One person is always a degree more aloof about the relationship, and probably thus a bit more balanced in perspective. However, a relationship is an organic entity of sorts, and all such entities have a life cycle - some short, some long. When the two parties in a relationship start to change their roles, it’s my feeling that the relationship has started its decline because the original motive for starting the relationship has ceased to exist. This may mean that the relationship eventually ends by mutual consent, whether painful or not. Or it may mean that in the case of a married couple, the relationship ends when one member leaves this mortal coil. Or sometimes paths just stop crossing, especially with casual relationships, aka acquaintances.

While it is possible that the change in the relationship dynamic produces a new motive for the new roles, my observations show that this is less likely to happen. Unfortunately, many relationships end painfully - even those that are just friendships. The primary reason for this, I feel, is a lack of any detachment. It’s not so much the inability to be detached, but rather the lack of knowledge in the value of detachment.

I’m not saying that everyone should turn into a cold, emotionless Vulcan. What I am saying is that if you learn to view human relationships as being transient in the first place, it is much easier to let the relationship’s cycle end. I have always tried to take the viewpoint that I can learn something from everyone I meet, even the youngest baby. I don’t remember who I learned this perspective from, but I’ve been saying and following it for many years. It’s stood me in good stead in those times when I lament that I miss so and so, but remember that I gained mostly positive experiences from the friendship. Of course, depending on how gracefully the relationship did end, you could always pick up the phone or send an email. Or write embarrassing, heart-revealing journal posts about those you still care about and whom you lost track of.